Encountering the Divine – Part V (Did God make me gayđ?) Rik, April 21, 2017October 13, 2017 Contextâyouâll need plenty of it if youâre new onboard! đ Welcome! Here are the previous installments: Part 1, Part 2 , Part 3, & Part 4. Returning readers, glad you could drop by again! Wasnât my intent, but this post may be even more intense than itâs predecessors. Warning: Iâm rating this mature due to its sexual content, which includes homosexual behavior. (If youâre a prude, bigot, or homophobe, now is your chance to exit stage left) That being said, letâs carry on shall we? Shortly after making that public commitment to Christ, I still yearned for answers to my soul-pressing questions. Itâs not like my life-long issues just magically went away because I decided to follow Jesus. (Hmmmf, I wish.) Although I knew I didnât have to face them alone anymore. After the emotional high of the Easter baptism/Valerie visit week, I brooded over the concept that perhaps I was now for all intents & purposes to consider myself a âChristianâ. What I had been going through the last few months culminating with my baptism decision was what people in the church circles referred to as being âborn againâ or âsavedâ. Nope, didnât go back into someoneâs womb to pop out again & be ârebornâ. (Frightening & gory thought for both parties involved really. I donât think my mom would be down either) I prefer the term âspiritual awakeningâ. But whatever floats your boat. As far as being a âChristianâ, I was nowhere near accepting that label, my same sentiment of the last 6 months persisted: Iâm really nothing like âthose church peopleâ. To this day, I still shun that label because unfortunately in todayâs day and age it has such a negative stigma to it. And well I have an adversity to being labeled, period. I mean, who doesnât? If I had to choose one, I prefer the term: Follower of Jesus or Christ follower. Like I detailed in the first section of Encountering the Divine â Part 3, now that I truly believed in God, my burning questions revolved around my sexuality and mainly figuring out why âhe made me gayâ. (Because I donât recall getting to check it off on a form as a baby or at the very least flip a coin.) This audio clip channels the lifelong cry of my soul in a falsetto Iâll never achieve: http://www.oldsoulmillennial.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Supermode_-Tell_Me_Why_Original_Mix_.mp3 (Thanks to Supermode for their Bronski Beat sample) The first hint thus far was Marie Louiseâs memoir excerpt. The next clue came one day when I was eating with Helen and Lolita at Subway and they told me they had heard about a church on South Beach that was going to address the topic of homosexuality in an upcoming service. I had never attended this church but I was surprised to know that it was right off of Lincoln Road, next to all of the hustle and bustle of the vibrant Miami restaurant, bar & people-watching scene. The specifics elude me now, but I seem to recall the girls showing me either an email or flyer as well. There was going to be two guest speakers: one was from a ministry called Exodus (which is now defunct). These particular speakers claimed that they had left âthe gay lifestyleâ. Let me pause right there and say I was never comfortable using the word lifestyle to describe the LGBT community because it always felt trivializing to me for some reason â like it was a choice to be gay; because to me, a lifestyle is a choice. So letâs look at the actual definition as per Wiki (not always the most credible source but hard to screw this one up): A lifestyle typically reflects an individualâs attitudes, way of life, values, or world view. Therefore, a lifestyle is a means of forging a sense of self and to create cultural symbols that resonate with personal identity. Not all aspects of a lifestyle are voluntary. Surrounding social and technical systems can constrain the lifestyle choices available to the individual and the symbols she/he is able to project to others and the self. So a âlifestyleâ is partly a choice & not. That being said, itâs really the most pertinent word that can be used for the purposes of my story moving forward. Like the definition stated, I felt my options were limited when I was introduced into the gay scene or started living âthe gay lifestyleâ, that all of these pre-existing/built-in attitudes, behaviors or expectations were projected onto me without my choosing â as I was barely trying to form my own sense of self. (Similar to our childhoods: we canât control the cultural, socioeconomic, religious & family influences around us) Once I started attempting to live my life as a gay man in my early 20s, subconsciously I started accepting a lot of these external influences as part of my identity. (Not that all were necessarily negative) Some examples: The music I listened to evolved. I became more liberal in the way I viewed the world. I started to party more & experiment with more drugs. (Thatâs not exclusive to the gay scene. Thatâs just being all about that nightlife). My fashion sense dramatically changed. (Hence, my credit card debt grew.) There is pressure in the gay scene to look a certain way in order to be accepted or valued: which exacerbated my narcissism & drive to always have the best physique (I always worked out but was never satisfied with my body imageđ), have the best clothesđ , to attempt to be more uninhibited with my sexuality in order to draw the male validation I sought; and those things in turn, would somehow supposedly allow me to discover and be comfortable with who I really was. The LGBT community has its own unique culture and subcultures: social/dating websites (apps too nowadays), fashion, art, gay sports leagues, nightlife, music idols, etc. I found myself becoming mesmerized with the music of the biggest gay clichĂŠ of them all at the time: Madonna.đ°đ (Some girls that lived in my dorms in college were seemingly always playing âLike a Prayerâ every time I visited them. Yes, this was in 2001, not 1989. I think that started the pull into her web. ha) Iâm not saying every gay man or woman is entirely shaped by stereotypical values & attitudes of the gay culture like I was for a period of time. (Especially if you have a diversified circle of friends from different cultural backgrounds and lifestyles) However, itâs nearly impossible to not be influenced in one way or another just by the mere fact of having same-sex attractions and relating to others with that same characteristic. Itâs instinctive right? Sooner or later (unless youâre a lone wolf for life), you gravitate towards people who share similar ideals/sentiments. Besides being attracted to guys, I was drawn to that scene because I identified with the common thread of most people in it: feeling marginalized because of my sexuality. Always having felt like the outsider for various reasons, I thought I finally found a place to call home and where I would be understood. Hearing about two speakers that had purportedly distanced themselves from what I regarded as the only possible reality for gay people âsounded rather disingenuous to me. The concept was quite foreign. As Helen & Lolita were informing me about the upcoming church service on homosexuality, I remember growing immediately agitated. Many thoughts, assumptions, judgments started to cloud my head: âOh, Iâve heard of these types of groups, these are those crazy Christians that say you can be âhealedâ from homosexuality. These must be those people who have bogus conversion therapies from gay to straight. What a load of crock⌠I knew it was only going to be a matter of time before I eventually started to run into the religious nuts. Hell no! Iâm not stepping foot in that place. I donât even care to know what they think. How dare they, the audacity to suggest that you can just choose to be straight? That you can just pray it away! Or just stop being who you are! Yea fucking right, Iâve been through this for years already. Screw that shit. Fuck em. Etc, etc.â These all too familiar thoughts kept pouring in and I vocalized some of them to Lola and Helen.  Luckily they let me vent; and after a bout of silence to help me chill out, they very calmly offered some advice. âDonât predispose yourself, why donât you go check it out and find out for yourself what itâs about? You donât have to attend, we just stumbled upon this church and saw that this subject was coming up and shared it with you. Take it or leave it. No biggie. But havenât you been praying to God for more clarity on this topic thatâs been nagging you?â Upon reflection and channeling of Telepopmusikâs âJust Breatheâ, I internally recognized that maybe I had jumped the gun a bit. I had gone off very limited information from my friends and was already waging a war in my head â not to mention visualizing how this entire church service was going to go down without the benefit of having time travel abilities. The girlsâ inquiry was valid, like Iâve stated, the inner stirring on this subject wouldnât leave me alone since it resurfaced after my dadâs cancer went into remission. I had been asking God for HIS answers and revelation concerning this lifelong thorn on my side matter. He had already shown me in a very tangible way that he loved me with the prophecies that had been fulfilled up to that point. Additionally, my new spiritual awareness helped me see what I had studied from the Bible thus far had proven to be true, based on my experiences of the past 6 months. At that point, I could no longer say certain things were not true just because I didnât understand them or agree with them. Especially since God repeatedly told me through the prophets that the scriptures were his âWordâ and that he would communicate to me through them.(Yes, the Bible was written by regular people but the words were inspired by his Holy Spirit working through them.) If I dismissed certain texts or entire stories that seemed outlandish to my finite mind, wouldnât that equate to calling him a liar? I just didnât want to close myself off to a subject without attempting to gain understanding from Godâs perspective. The major recurring life question for me was why does the Bible say homosexuality is a sin if I didnât choose to be that way? (Or thatâs it wrong basically) If youâre gay and reading this, no doubt you had the very same question at some point in your life. Or any rational thinking person has asked him or herself this as well. Well, I couldnât help but wonder, is finding out about this particular Sunday service an answer to my prayer?đ Is it the next step on my quest for answers? After my new-found spiritual journey, I wanted to know what âChristiansâ really thought about that matter and how they would address those controversial verses from the Bible. Would it be the same vitriol and hatred I heard spewed from Catholicism growing up? Arenât Catholics considered Christians also? Would this be any different just because it was a non-denominational church? I felt that organized religion isnât what Jesus wanted me to go back and follow anymore; he wanted a direct relationship with me.  Yet, I also was beginning to see I needed to commune with other believers to gain more knowledge of the Scriptures and grow in my faith. There at Subway, I finally came to the decision to go ahead and check out that service. Whatâs the worst that could happen? Hear an opinion that differed from mine? Cuz well, heaven forbid everybody not agree on something. Isnât that how the world should be? Learning to listen to another and better understand their perspective? Maybe even learn something. Even if you donât agree with someone, you can still agree to disagree. Thatâs what Jesus taught, to love people, even when they differ from your beliefs or ways of living. I had trusted God up to that point in my journey,  surely he would give me the guidance to know if whatever was spoken at that service was truly from him or not. I couldnât stay bitter and in turmoil forever, not without giving myself a chance to at least hear what other people who struggled reconciling their sexuality and spirituality had to say. I didnât want to remain on a raft in the middle of a stormy sea. Not if God was throwing me a life jacket. I had to finally realize I wasnât the only person in the world with this burden. I had to open myself up to listen to other peopleâs stories. Didnât mean I had to accept or take it on as âtruthâ for my life. So a few weeks later, I attended service at Calvary Chapel in South Beach. The space was slightly larger than the one from my church in North Miami Beach. Itâs interior was simple also, nothing opulent. Luckily, as per usual, Lolita & Helen offered to accompany me. It would be the first time Iâd attend a church service were I knew going in that the topic of homosexuality would be addressed. It was weird entering a church in an area where I normally went inside bars or clubs instead. I probably felt hung-over just by association . I stumbled in timidly; I kind of wished I had an invisibility cloak with me at the time. (Thatâs about the only magic from Harry Potter that I would find handy. đWandsâŚhmmâŚnot my thing. Those are too⌠childish, if you will.đ Not sure why I like giving Potter fans a hard time đ) I didnât want to make eye contact with anyone; I didnât want to be noticed. We just found our seats and I stared straight ahead the whole time. Itâs almost as if I felt I had a gay flag pasted on my forehead yelling âhey, look at me!â I was just very self -conscious; more than the usual. My friends probably didnât feel the same anxiety as I did. Not that I recall speaking much with them during the time we were there either. But afterward Lolita told me yea, there were other gay people in there. How could she tell? She always had a good gaydar I suppose. So apparently I wasnât the only one with the deer and headlights look. Good to know. The first speaker was a blond woman in her late 30s, early 40s; canât say that much resonated with me in regards of what she had to say.  Basically she was in lesbian relationships for many years and identified as such during that time. She came to a point where she turned her life over to God and had the conviction to stop dating women. Not to be dismissive or minimize her experience, but at the time, I wasnât as interested hearing about the subject from a womanâs perspective. (Perhaps since I didnât know many lesbians) She probably spoke a good 15, 20 minutes. Midway through the service the pastor introduced a short, semi-stocky, white guy in his late 30s. Iâll call him Michael. He was invited up to the stage and sat next to the pastor on a high chair as his segment was in an interview format. He started speaking very earnestly about his life starting from his childhood. Of course, my dark, judgmental thoughts started trickling in. âLook at this queen, who is he kidding. Heâs still so effeminate. Heâs super gay. I donât know why heâs even bothering. Heâs nothing like me, what could he possibly say that will be of value of me?â I tried my best to shrug those off and attempted to pay attention. Some of the highlights that I still recollect: He talked about his childhood, always struggling to be acknowledged by his father, trying to constantly please him and gain his approval but seemingly it was never enough. He never felt a connection with him. He talked about his difficult relationship with his controlling and codependent mother. He was constantly bullied as a young kid in school by other boys because he hung out more with girls. He wasnât good at sports, so he further strayed away from the members of his own sex because he felt inferior and that he couldnât relate to them. (Umm yea, I could relate to those three) Michael grew up in a very religious Christian household so he was familiar with the Bible and what not. He dated girls in his teens and eventually came out of the closet in his twenties. He stopped going to church and felt himself drift away from God as he carried on with his life.  He had a couple of long-term relationships with men that eventually ended. In his mid-thirties, he had a life partner who he was living with.  One morning he woke up and while in his bathroom, he had an epiphany â he realized he missed God and had a deep conviction in that instant that the relationship he was in wasnât Godâs desire for him. He started wondering what he was doing with his life. Mind you, Iâm giving you a Cliff Notes version of a live interview I heard 9 years ago. Upon delivery, some of these aforementioned scenarios that he mentioned throughout that half hour made me feel like the inside of my chest was a rock being chipped away at. Almost as if my heart of stone was rigged with little landmines; they all went off slowly, one by one, every time Michael said something that resonated. Much to my egoâs dismay, each detonation prompted my eyes to increasingly water more each time. Of course, I was doing my best to contain this eye fluid and uncharacteristic public display of sentiment. His life story was obviously unique, but at the same time there were so many situations and feelings that paralleled with mine. He was very relatable, not robotic or putting up a front like I expected. He was brutally honest and courageous for sharing some of the things he did. Michael broke up with his partner after he felt God prompting him to draw closer again. He had felt a void surface in his heart after distancing himself from God for so long. (I couldnât relate to that since I always had a void from the get go of my life, not to mention a lack of a connection with the maker of the universe. I didnât know any other way of existence besides feeling hollow. This guy abandoned the walk of faith that he grew up with and tried to fully embrace his sexuality and wound up not being satisfied with the life that came of that. Ultimately, without realizing it, he subtly became disconnected from God throughout that process as well.) He described having to go through a period of being single where he had to face pain and wounds he had been carrying since childhood. He made an interesting statement of how when he decided to follow God again in his mid 30s, there was a point where he felt he was experiencing puberty again. Through a new church community he found he started having healthy non-sexual relationships with males. It took him awhile to get past the fear of feeling like an outsider, as he learned to resist the temptation of always flocking towards the girls in social gatherings. He forced himself instead to interact with the guys.  Even though he sucked at it; when invited, he also gave himself the opportunity to try playing sports again. These new friends encouraged him instead of shaming him. He slowly & maturely started seeing women in a different way; he said he started noticing their curves. Eventually, new sexual desires started surfacing in him. I guess, much like puberty. (HmmâŚI never heard of that before: Experiencing a sexual reawakening or feeling like youâre going through puberty again at a later period in life).  Canât say 100% with certainty with this much time lapsing, but I think he mentioned identifying as bisexual. I was already at a heightened level of discomfort, I wasnât used to experiencing such a plethora of emotions in one sitting âthey fluctuated from annoyance to anger to empathy to amazement; but the final shock came at the end of the interview when he invited his fiancĂŠe (a female) to come up to the front to join him & the pastor. They lovingly gave each other a kiss and embraced. I was actually kind of touched (much to my inner cynicâs befuddlement). Everyone applauded and supported him; most people were clearly moved. Once I left and the euphoria of the finale subsided, I found myself feeling more puzzled than when I went in. Michael never spoke about ever trying to change his sexuality or going through some nutty conversion therapy, but rather about deepening his relationship with God. There was a wedge driven between God and him when he started dating men.   But why? Because of what the Bible said or what was ingrained in his being from religious teachings throughout his life? Or was it something deeper at a soul level? He seemed happy and authentic next to his fiancĂŠe . Of course, I wasnât completely sold though. I didnât leave there thinking ok, I have all the answers I need in life now. Nonetheless, Michaelâs testimony was my first glimpse into realizing that there was possibly an alternate path â that I didnât have to necessarily resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life. Perhaps God did have a life partner for me later on once I dealt with unresolved issues from my past. Surprisingly, Michael did not meet my expectation of coming off as a hypocrite. However, at the same time, I thought âok, good for him. I have my own path though. It certainly wonât be with a woman.â So the new insight that I gained from that service was that Biblically speaking, being gay or having same-sex attractions in of itself isnât wrong (one has no control over their sexual desires). This was very powerful and healing for me to hear. The pastor addressed the theme in a very loving and open-minded way. I had never experienced a compassionate and thorough discussion on this topic in a churchâ ever! That being said, the serviceâs message also affirmed what I kind of figured theyâd say going in. That while the attraction is not wrong, the physical/sexual act of a man being with a man is a âsinâ. (Or woman with a woman). KA-POW! That felt like a punch to the face.đ  Ok, not that harsh;  but it was nonetheless a difficult pill to swallow. It was a double edged sword. Having your cake but not being able to eat it. (Much less by the ocean. Sorry, that damn DNCE song sprung up on me.)  Cause it was a bitter sweet symphony⌠this lifeâŚÂ đľok, Iâll stop. But seriously, it really wasnât humorous or anything to sing about, it sucked to hear that. What was I supposed to do with that? I loved God, but give up my sexuality? That service helped me understand the Biblical view a bit more clearly; the Scriptures donât just signal out gay sex â they call everything out. Having a homosexual relationship is as much a sin as is having sex outside marriage (a.k.a. fornication: both straight & gay people do it), adultery, lusting, stealing, lying, jealousy, greed, cussing, gossiping, overeating, getting drunk, having idols, etc â we could be here all day making a list of everything the Bible calls a sin. Point is, we all sin one way or another. Itâs human nature. A homosexual sin isnât any worse than any sin heterosexual people may commit.  I started piecing together the fact that homosexual sin was used as a scapegoat within the âChristianityâ I was raised in. It still is in many churches. Why? Because itâs in the minority compared to the sexual misdeeds that heterosexuals commit. Itâs easy to point the finger at one thing that only a few people are doing and ignore oneâs own shortcomings when itâs more accepted as society as the ânorm.â Unfortunately those are the bigots, hate-mongers and hypocrites that are portrayed by the mainstream media as âChristians.â Theyâre out there and real for sure: on TV, trolling online comment sections, or with their big old signs sometimesâ judging everyone else and condemning them to hell when theyâre not transparent about their own shortcomings. But those people arenât really following Jesusâ commands nor are real Christ followers. (On the contrary: Theyâre more akin to a modern version of Pharisees; those were Jews from a sect that considered themselves strict observers of the Jewish law and therefore morally superior to others. They were basically the ones that had Jesus crucified because he called them out on their hypocrisy!) From the limited knowledge I had about Jesusâ teachings at the time, I did know he said the two greatest commandments are to âlove God and love othersâ. Rioting at a funeral or damning gay people to hell during a Pride parade: not very loving. (Or outside a Madonna concert for that matter, he he) However, I had already realized that not everyone is like that â some people were real, genuine, loving Christians. (E.g. Miranda & Pastor Mario, they were just there for me. Didnât try changing me or tell me what was wrong with my life. The changes I would make in my life would come out of my own personal conviction through my relationship with Jesus. ) I do believe that sexual sins have weighed heavier on me, as opposed to doing something that feels morally wrong not involving my body. Oh, I got one: cursing like a sailor when someone cuts me off during rush hour. Profanity is considered a sin, but I donât beat myself up about it either when I occasionally drop an expletive. Regarding sexual sins, thereâs more shame to deal with and potential consequences to pay. Hence the phrase â âwalks of shameâ (In the wee hours of the morning leaving a flingâs place.  Donât deny it; most of us have been there at one point or another. Imagine if that shame nun from Game of Thrones popped out behind you each time ringing her bell. Yikes! #awkward).  Let me give you a personal illustration (oh geez): I got an STD in 2004, which required me to undergo an unpleasant, outpatient surgical procedure to eradicate. Not fun. The whole process was embarrassing, from diagnosis to surgery to recovery. It took me several days to recoup all whilst trying to keep it hidden from my roommates. (Somehow I succeeded) It affected my work schedule too. I wasnât trying to be a bad person (or bad hombre for that matter). I was single and had finally gotten over an awful heartbreak, just endeavoring to be myself and have a âhealthyâ and ânormalâ sex life until I found the right person for a relationship. But yet, there was a consequence to pay; my actions brought chaos to my life. At the time, I was baffled, I couldnât understand why there was a negative effect to something that the world consistently told me I needed to do in order to be myself: Be liberated and fulfill all my sexual desires. Not to repress them. It left me feeling like the Pet Shop Boys wondering⌠http://www.oldsoulmillennial.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/WhatHaveIDoneToDeserveThis.mp3  Again, the other extreme was my religious upbringing telling me that gay sin is the # 1 on the top ten sins of all time (tipping the scale on one end, while # 2-10 hung out suspended in the air forever on the opposite side) and that I was headed straight to hell. After hearing Michael speak, I started understanding it more the way  God really sees it. To him, all sin is equal; itâs all detestable in his sight. However,  there isnât one that Jesusâ death and sacrifice on the cross doesnât cover over and wash clean. His blood was the payment for the sins of humanity. Hence, I was introduced to the Christian clichĂŠ âGod loves the sinner, but hates the sin. â (Which interestingly enough I just recently found out isnât an actual verse in the Bible. Hey, I said Iâm no theologian) Thereâs truth to it though. Ok, well established at that point: God loved me.  Both in my heart and in a public way(baptism), I had accepted Jesusâ sacrifice and believed that he truly was the Son of God. For a second, I thought âwhatâs the big hoopla over sin then if Jesus already forgave me for my past right?â Well, for one, a person doesnât automatically stop being human and not sin anymore just because you believe Jesus is the Christ. (As a lot of my other blog posts have indicated, Iâm far from perfect, never will be. Although at times, my inner perfectionist tries to convince me otherwise #flawless #not ) I realized God loathes the sin we do, because of what it does to us. Sin separates us from him. Most of us arenât aware of it. Like I expressed in Part 3 of this series, substitute the word sin for another if that helps you erase your bias or negative attachments to that word. (Use shortcoming or misdeed or transgression instead) If weâre doing something that is causing chaos to our lives or harming us, would our parents like to see us doing that to ourselves?   No, of course not. But they still love us right? I think thatâs how God sees us. We just donât realize the damage of sin on us sometimes. The more we do it, the more we become numb to it. Thatâs dangerous. The Bible says sin leads to death. Which yes, can mean physically of course, but I think even more importantly: spiritually. If our hearts become completely hardened because of sin, it crushes our spirit and we lose our ability to tap into our heartâs radio transmission with God; we lose that signal. Or we may never have had the ability to develop it in the first place. (Itâs ever too late to find it though) My sexual acting out for years harmed me physically, emotionally & spiritually.  The physical ramifications could have been even worse: I could have contracted HIV. Sure, with advancements in treatment, luckily thatâs no longer necessarily a death sentence. Itâs not an easy life either, with all the medications and maintenance required. (Plus dealing with the social stigma still attached to it. ) People with HIV are still at a higher risk of developing other illnesses that can shorten their life span due to a weakened immune system. Point is, STDs (or STIâs if you want to be nit-picky about it) are a negative by-product of sexual sin. Whether youâre gay, bi, straight, or any other label you prefer. Something else that arose from hearing that service with Michael was the fact that I had never stopped to truly question how my upbringing influenced my sexuality. He shared a lot of personal situations or wounds that I could identify with. The more I thought about it, I shared those similarities with several of my gay friends as wellâ off the top of my head: many werenât good at organized team sports either, had strained relationships with their fathers, or codependent/enmeshed relationships with their mothers. I never had considered the psychological aspect (aka: science) behind all my traumas either. I just always carried on as best as I could. Despite my same-sex attractions being an affliction, I always knew my sexuality came about organically at an early age. (Whether God âmade me that wayâ or not) I didnât pick it, couldnât pray it away or change it on my own, so there was no need after a certain point in my life to examine it further. It was what it was. The challenge was trying to assimilate it, come out, and move forward with life. As most gay people do. This new spiritual journey started me down the path of unique realizations and questions. Is it possible that I actually wasnât born that way, but that nurture (my environment) played a role in developing homosexual attractions? Or was it in fact nature (genes) that defined that path for me? I would soon discover a debate that has been ongoing for decades in psychology: the concept of nature vs. nurture. A statement from the American Psychology of Association website APA website: âThere is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian orientation. Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many think that nature and nurture both play complex roles; most people experience little or no sense of choice about their sexual orientation.â Hereâs an article that you can read later that summarizes years of research and further expands on APAâs statement from above. Homosexuality: Nature or Nurture Thereâs a plethora of information on the web and in books that I canât possibly outline in one blog post. (Not if I ever plan on finishing ) Ultimately youâll have to do your own research if you really want to dig into this topic. Iâll break it down for brevityâs sake: as per science, there is no definitive answer to such a complex issue, evidence points that BOTH nature & nature play a role in the development of homosexuality. Many of you may be thinking, well geez thanks Ricardo, youâre not telling me anything new then. (Iâm doing my best to stick to my knowledge from 2008 without letting 9 years of added insight influence too much) While the APA may not admit that there are common factors in how oneâs sexual orientation develops , my life experiences and the psychological research I started digging into proved otherwise⌠(Interesting side note: the APAâs stance on homosexuality has significantly changed throughout the last 40 years â mainly due to lobbying from gay rightâs activists) Hold tight, itâs about to get intense. (Good time to take a breather or bathroom break if you need it. đ˝ đ Weâre slightly under halfway through. Let this serve as a bookmark)đ As a result of the Calvary Chapel LGBT talk, I found out Exodus had meetings in Fort Lauderdale. (That was the ministry that the female speaker was affiliated with). A short time afterwards, I went on my own to an informational/newcomerâs meeting on a Sunday afternoon. My aim was to continue asking questions and to actually try conversing with some âex-gayâ people. (Thatâs one term of what theyâre referred to as â peculiar label indeed) The cynic in me wanted to go call someone on their bluff. I donât recollect much of what was said at the meeting. I did pick up some Christian literature resources on homosexuality and the psychology behind it. Oh yea, I also asked a guy what kind of music he listened to now that he was no longer âin the gay lifestyleâ. Did that mean all he could listen to was Christian worship music? Does being a Christian mean I canât listen to Madonna anymore? Ha-ha. (Very valid & important questions for me at the time. #dontmesswithmymusic) He kind of looked at me like I was the weird one: âyea dude, I listen to Christian music for the most part but still enjoy secular tunes as well. I still have some Madonna jams on my iPod.â Ok good, his answers werenât entirely Christian alien-like as I expected. The main take away from the night though was a brief conversation I had with a beautiful, young (mid-20s ), blond girl  after the meeting. (Who didnât fit my lesbian stereotype at all , you could never tell from looking at her; she wasnât butch. I know I know, donât judge a book by its cover). After awkwardly blocking her in a hallway leading to the exit, I asked âCâmon, please be honest with me, are you really not into girls at all anymore?â Before she even answered there was already the usual malicious thought in my head echoing at her âBitch, please.â However, that dissipated once I sensed the sincerity in her reply. (I also appreciated the fact she didnât speak âChristianeseâ to me.) She said she had a boyfriend now and had stopped dating women a couple of years back. She still had sexually tempting thoughts involving women but that they had lessened over time. They were overwhelming before, but now âthey were like gnats, they would still come in once in a while but she could just swat them awayâ. I thought to myself, wow, another new but difficult to comprehend concept: Controlling the thoughts in my mind once they came in, AND not letting THEM control me. Another little something for me to chew on. (Lustful thoughts and fantasies had always seemed to occupy and control my mind as an adult. That was my normal. Only in the last six months of experiencing God did I have moments where my mind was free from all that) Flash forward a few days/weeks later â I had total recall. (Ok fine, I never saw that movie) But yep, I remembered something from my childhood that I wished had never surfaced. Iâve mentioned this in passing in my writings before. I recalled being in the basement of a classmateâs house with him and his older brother. I must have been 8 or 9 years old. My mom was upstairs chatting with their mom. The boys told our moms that we were going downstairs to play. It was some kind of play room/man cave with video games. I remember it being very dark around us and at one point my classmate âJeffreyâ grabbed and held me from behind. (They were both taller and bigger than me.) His older brother started pulling my pants down and fondling my genitals. He proceeded to perform oral sex on me. I was in shock and froze; I was too scared to fight, struggle or even yell out to my mom. I canât remember exactly what Jeffreyâs older brother told me but it was probably something to the effect of âDonât tell your mom. This is our secret, itâs between friends. This is normal. Nobody will believe you if you say anything.â I canât bring to mind with precision if this thought just arrived in the middle of the day, while contemplating by the bay near my house, or if it came about in a dream while sleeping â but that it happened, it happened. There I was almost 20 something years later unearthing this memory of being sexually molested. It was that buried in the back of my mind for years. I truly hadnât remembered nor lived haunted by it. All of a sudden, BANG, it resurfaced! And I wasnât happy. In fact, I was very angry. (Iâm getting teary as I write this.) I was very upset with God in that moment. âWhy are you making me remember this? Why now? Where were you? This is painful; I had been just fine not having memory of thisâŚgeez⌠I was marked before I even had a chance. This was before I had even hit puberty. I didnât know what was going on or what sex was. I just knew it felt wrong, I was scared. I felt so alone and helpless.â My mom was only a few feet away and she never knew. (At least not until a few years ago when I finally told her. She shared feeling uneasy about us being downstairs that long, Jeffreyâs mom told her to stop worrying  âTheyâre just playingâ) Jeffrey wasnât even a super close friend of mine; he was just another seemingly harmless, socially awkward, loner nerd like me. We somewhat got along and well I suppose our moms set it up as a play date or hang out for us. I canât recall how much older the brother was, at least three to four years. (Early teens for sure) In psychology, what happened to me is known as the unveiling of a repressed memory. The situation was so traumatic that I unconsciously blocked it for years. Flash forward, many years later, as Iâm asking God for answers and trying to examine my childhood it suddenly becomes untapped. Coincidence? I think not. So itâs still spring of 2008, the next few months; besides job searching & pondering by the ocean,  I would spend some time reading both Christian and secular psychology material on the subject of homosexualityâ as well as other peopleâs stories. Since I canât go back in time and retrieve all the multiple sources I read, Iâll do the next best thing. The next section draws information from a therapy website that pretty much sums up the research that I studied â which youâll probably never hear about in mainstream media.(I know I never did) FYI, I found this website several weeks ago , throughout the process of writing this blog post. I have no affiliation with the webpage nor have I read much in it beyond this particular article. That being said, Iâm vouching for it and referencing it because it gives a good overview of the research I started discovering 9 years ago. (The depth of information and links to other clinical research in this one article is quite impressive) The article âWhat causes male homosexuality? starts by giving the aforementioned APA statement on homosexuality: Summary: The official explanation from the APA says that there is no consensus about what causes homosexuality. We agree. But we have observed eight kinds of life experiences that are common in the backgrounds of men with same-sex attraction. Iâve included some personal illustrations with the factors I found commonality with. Some Iâve spoken of before. Some examples overlap as well. Here comes more heavy stuff) My inner child right now⌠Hang in there Lil Ricky Here are the eight predisposing factors: (If you really want to dig further in this subject, please read the website later for an in-depth description of each factor). 1. Unhealthy childhood relationships with females Summary: Females can wound young boys by smothering, criticizing, controlling, and ignoring proper boundaries. Some boys who have experienced such wounding develop unhealthy relationships with women in adulthood in which they either push them too far away or cling too closely to them, disrupting their capacity for opposite-sex attraction. Early in life an emotionally incestuous relationship developed with my mother. Itâs such a harsh term I know, enmeshment is a better substitute. But hereâs the definition (Itâs nothing sexual): âEmotional incest involves an unhealthy relationship between parent and child in which the child serves as a sort of emotional âspouseâ to the parent. This can be mother/daughter, father/daughter, mother/son, or father/son⌠Emotional incest takes place when the (emotional, not sexual) relationship between a parent and a child becomes like that between two spouses, except that given the immaturity of the child the relationship is one-sided and the parent feeds off the child emotionally while the child ends up feeling responsible for the well-being of the parent.â Source  This exactly described the dynamic between my mother and me. I  remember her sobbing and holding me after her physical altercations with my father â I wanted to take her pain away but I was just a child, it was too much for me to handle or comprehend. She didnât have anyone or didnât know how to turn to anyone else to console her. Until recently, I always felt guilty and responsible for my momâs happiness. As a child, I always subconsciously carried the guilt of âIf I wasnât born, my parents wouldnât have been so unhappy. They would have divorced long ago and not stayed together miserable for my sake.â Thatâs not anything they ever told me. Itâs a lie that evil planted in my head and that I believed at an early age and carried throughout my whole life. I donât recall my dad being physically present in much of my earlier years, or when he was around, I felt like he was checked out watching TV or listening to opera. He was gone a lot traveling, whether for work or pleasure. My parents separated for periods of time as well. (I usually stayed with my mom) Consequentially, my mother had to play both mom and dad roles for the most part. She was loving and nurturing at times âor the other extreme: a strict, angry authoritarian . Her physical discipline was a bit excessive. Itâs commonplace in the Latin culture, you get hit with whatever is around: a shoe, a belt or a hand. Iâm sure I deserved it at times. However that, along with my parentâs physical and verbal alterations, did have a traumatic toll on me. I could never entirely trust her since I didnât know which side of her I was going to face. She had high expectations of me academically. I feared being reprimanded or punished if I did poorly in my grades, my sense of worth was strongly tied to my performance in school and in swimming. ( I was in competitive swimming from about 7 to 14) As long as school was ok, I felt I could stay on my momâs good side. I remember her once angrily pulling me out of a swim meet, by the ear (in front of everyone), and tugging me all the way to the car after I had failed to beat my previous time in a race. (I was at least 10 by then) These types of child-hood situations probably helped create the perfectionist and people pleasing tendencies that still form part of my personality today. Iâm going to pause there and repeat what Iâve stated before in the About section. My mother wasnât a villainâ she had the best of intentions, made enormous sacrifices for me, and loves me dearly; but she was a broken human being like all of us. She had a difficult upbringing â her father was physically abusive towards her since she was the eldest daughter(his way of keeping her in line), one of her brothers was as well, she had much fewer financial/educational opportunities and support resources than I did, and grew up in a different time and country (Mexico) in a culture that is still rampant with sexism and âmachismoâ. (Machismo domesticates or degrades women). Her experiences molded her personality: she was forced to rebel, defend herself, and survive as best as she could. I resented her for years growing up, but now as an adult, Iâve slowly been finally able to start empathizing as Iâve gotten to know her past. I know she did the best she could for me with the tools she had. If I ever have children, I wonât possibly be able to NOT pass down some of my character defects. Why? Thereâs no such thing as a perfect parent or human being. My hope is to learn from the past and lean on God to not repeat some of the same mistakes. Thereâs a lot of positive attributes I owe to her as well. Iâm proud to be her son and wouldnât trade her for the world. Iâm happy to say we are now both finally on a path to mend our relationship. In adulthood I would unconsciously gravitate toward friendships with controlling/codependent women, or the idolization of dominant ones (e.g. Madonna ). I now recognize that I sometimes have an aversion towards the âtough womanâ personality types that I encounter because of that mother wound. After high school, I always had more female friends than male ones, further reinforcing my sense of self as being mainly in tune to my feminine side. 2. Distorted concepts of gender Summary: Unhealthy childhood relationships with females can distort a manâs view of the female gender, affect how he sees himself in relation to women, damage his sense of masculinity, and prevent the natural development of a sense of genderedness. This can leave the individual without a sense of the opposite sex as complementary and attractive. 3. Feeling incongruent with oneâs own gender Summary: Feeling incongruent with what a man believes his gender requires may create a psychologically unstable situation, resulting in the unconscious mind compensating through fixations or attractions toward males and masculinity. Factors 2 and 3 kind of intermesh for me For as long as I could remember, I always struggled feeling overly sensitive and passive. As I got older, I described it like being a â woman trapped inside a manâs bodyâ, hence feeling incongruent with my gender. (This today is commonly known as having transgender feelings). As a child, I remember trying on my momâs high heels maybe once or twice when she wasnât home. (She called me out by the second time when she noticed they werenât positioned like she left them. She was astute! Never tried it again) Thatâs as close to cross dressing as I ever got. (Imagine if I would never have been caught & continued down that path? ) I loved painting and drawing as a child. (Dinosaurs especially)  I also recall sometimes drawing story book or cartoon male characters with phallic characteristic (Then discarding those right away).  4. Problems in relationships with other males Summary: During childhood, some boys disconnect from other males due to negative experiences with males, negative stereotypes about males, and fear of being seen as strange. This leaves their normal needs for same-sex connection and bonding unmet, resulting in longings and cravings for male closeness. As also addressed in the About section, I always felt disconnected from my father. Besides my maternal grandfather (whom I didnât see super frequently), my dad was really the only male role model I had. Early on, I saw him as a monster when he would physically assault my mother. Through my child lens, I noticed him as being strong & stoic while I viewed myself as weak and sensitive: since I didnât see his traits in myself, I internally equated myself to not being a man. I also thought I didnât want to be like him if thatâs what a man does. His perceived coldness and indifference towards me when he was around never allowed me to form the bond I desired as a child. Part of me wanted to have no emotional attachment to him; the other half desperately wanted his approval and attention. In my mind, he was never proud of anything I did. I donât recall receiving any words of affirmation from him. He never hit me though. Words are sometimes more damaging than blows. I remember being crushed one time when he called me âan idiotâ (I must have really pissed him off because thatâs the only time I can recollect him being verbally abusive towards me âbut man, that one time stung. I was bullied all the way up to high school. The physical bullying stopped around the time I got to middle school. After that, I was still teased incessantly in high school (not to mention had a dozen unflattering nicknames) but at that point I could dish it back somewhat. There was also more prey to pick on: unless you were a jock, nobody else came out unscathed from getting shit. Ha. Additionally, it was freaking harrowing going to an all-boys high school when dealing with same-sex attractions and feeling like I had no one to talk to about it. Frankly, I wouldnât want to relive my teens for anything. (Except the music #90s) Always had bad coordination skills so I was insufficient as far as being competitive in organized team sports. I was always that last or second to last kid that would reluctantly be picked for a football or basketball team during recess. (Assholes, haha) I also would usually be the one to get smacked in the face with the ball while wearing my glasses. (hey, I was blind as a bat without them) 5. Sexual conditioning Summary: Sexual desire can be conditioned through pairing specific stimuli with sexual arousal. Male-on-male sexual abuse and early exposure to male pornography may create or intensify homosexual arousal for some boys. As a boy (pre-puberty), I recall looking at a swimsuit calendar featuring men that I discovered in my momâs belongings when I was alone at home Early teen exposure to (Straight) pornography with neighborhood friends. Much to my dismay, I found myself focused on the male during scenes, not the female. 6. Sexual abuse Summary: In addition to its potential role in conditioning sexual arousal, sexual abuse can create or intensify gender incongruity, disaffiliation from other males, andâif the perpetrator is femaleâfear or hatred of women. It may also create repetitive patterns of compulsive sexual behavior. Me being sexually molested (as described earlier) â it created more unconscious feelings of shame and guilt Upon coming across this kind of research: I realized suffering sexual abuse as a child, combined with my other experiences, kicked off the pattern of compulsive sexual behaviors which turned into masturbation as a teenager; then acting out sexually with other men in my 20s. In my life, the number of men Iâve messed around with is probably somewhere in the one hundreds. (Between 100-200 Iâd guesstimate) Which isnât much compared to most gay men I know; at the time I thought my sex life was rather dull compared to everyone else I spoke to. It is what it is. I was super prudish and paranoid about STDâs in my early 20s, which minimized the frequency of my encounters. I also had the self-righteous complex of thinking everyone in the gay scene was a slut, when in actuality, sleeping around less frequently didnât make me better than anyone else. Anyhow, all of my encounters have predominantly consisted of oral sex and masturbation. Actual sexual intercourse involving penetration, I can count the number of times Iâve done that on one hand. ( Iâve only shared that with a few people. Well, now everyone knows) For whatever reason, although itâs something I always fantasized or flirted online with others about, itâs just something I could rarely bring myself to do just with anyone. I never had a boyfriend or a long-term relationship, so thereâs that. Two of those times I was the catcher. (I donât have to be more overt do I?) First time I was young and naĂŻve (only 21), curious to experiment, met an attractive older guy online who was seemingly interested in me and well yea â I tried it the 2nd time we hung out. He stopped returning my calls after that. The second time happened with another person, I was probably 22 by then; well, it was a bit different â I was raped. I blamed myself for a long time afterwards since Iâm the one who put me in that situation. It was only until a few years ago that I forgave myself and accepted I was wronged. Quick synopsis: Met the guy online, went over to his house. He didnât look much like his pictures, didnât have much chemistry. He offered me a drink. Figured Iâd hang a bit and then find a moment to slip out, like was my usual when I wasnât into someone in person. We then wound up smoking a joint. After a while he suddenly turned flirtatious and physically aggressive. He basically didnât take no for an answer. I was a full-grown man at this point. Sure, my defenses were a bit down since I was high and drunk. But I could have fought back and resisted besides saying no. I obviously was unaware of it at the time, but I reacted the same way I did when I was molested as a child: I froze. The shock of what was happening paralyzed me. It was over rather quickly. But I recall feeling like a part of my soul died that night. That experience definitely emasculated me further than I already felt. It further reinforced my sense of gender as being more aligned with a femaleâs. 7. Certain biological & physical issues Summary: Research on direct biological and genetic causes of homosexuality is inconclusive. But our experience suggests that certain biological factors can have an important impact on a boyâs sense of his masculinity and on his relationships with other males. I always felt different from other male peers growing up I was born premature, at 7 months âas per mom, being strangled with the umbilical cord #itfigures #roughstart I experienced puberty later than most: examples include being shorter than most people in my class (until a late growth spurt in junior year of high school). Voice change came later than most boys in high school. Always had poor body coordination; always struggled with feeling too skinny in contrast to others. (Was teased about my body weight) In school I was usually considered as having high intelligence compared to most.( I was one of the go-to nerds to copy homework off of) I also saw myself unattractive for various reasons in different time periods: whether it was due to having glasses, braces for a period of time, bad acne as a teen, etc. As mentioned before , I participated in swim teams. When going through puberty, I struggled being in the menâs locker room because I would feel self-conscious regarding my body and would always wrap a towel around me when changing from my swimsuit to my underwear after practice. I felt inadequate as a male because I would compare my penis size to the older boys on the team. I also felt shame as I sometimes experienced arousal. 8. Certain emotional & psychological problems Summary: Certain emotional and psychological issues are common in the backgrounds of homosexual men. These issues seem to intensify the effect of other life experiences, particularly gender incongruity, same-sex disaffiliation, sexual conditioning, and sexual abuse. Perfectionism I was a hypochondriac I always lived in constant anxiety, was seemingly always worried about something Distress over my sexuality Depression Gender Shame  Summary: Given the frequency with which these eight kinds of life experiences occur in the backgrounds of men with SSA (same sex attractions), it is possible that these experiences might influence the development of homosexuality by creating two conditions. Condition 1: Situations in which males and maleness become a focus of intense interest and emotional arousal. Condition 2: Experiences that connect the emotionally laden interest in males and maleness with feelings or impulses that are interpreted by the individual as sexual. Over whelmed yet? I know I am writing this, had to stop many times throughout the process.  Imagine how I felt 9 years ago, as I started realizing how truly messed up I was. It was painful to look back at the first 26 years of my life. (Even today, I still get triggered at times when thinking about the past) So I basically experienced all of these 8 commonalities and could probably still elaborate further on each one. For the first time in my life, there was an explanation that made sense. There was reasons why, intricate as they may be; the various psychology resources I read spoke about the common thread in the childhood experiences most homosexual men shared âmine included. I couldnât deny it nor say my situation was unique anymore.  My attractions didnât really appear by God sprinkling fairy dust on me (pun intended); there I was, finding scientific evidence that started debunking the idea in my head that I was just merely born that way. (The infuriating part was that I had no control over my childhood either, I can own my mistakes as an adult) As detailed before, when God knocked on my door 7- 8 months earlier, I was miserable and jaded after finding that living life as a gay man wasnât the happy ending nor the Great Valley I was searching for my whole life (Yaas, Land Before Time reference đ˛) Not only did I have my personal experiences to learn from, I also observed everyone around me throughout the years. I never met anyone who seemed truly happy in the gay scene; at least not for the long run. Everyone for the most part, including me, lived in a state of fantasy. They still hadnât found what they were looking for. (Thanks Bono đđ¤) I was troubled to notice some of the life circumstances or patterns that my gay friends or acquaintances were going through at the time:  A successful mid-30s male â he always seemed to attract handsome, younger men whom he eventually found to never pull the same weight in the relationship. He was always more mature, constantly taking care of them emotionally or financially. The years passed by, but he still had the hope to find someone with whom he could relive something similar to a passionate relationship from his younger days (even though that ended)  A couple that had been together for a few years already that needed to bring in a revolving third partner into the relationship every so often to keep the spark lit  A couple that had been together for a while, that every time friends saw them together we could clearly see they were toxic to each other. They were constantly arguing; one was resentful and always patronizing towards the other. When on their own, they seemed more joyful and were more fun to hang with.  An older male (in his early 40s) who befriended younger men that were new to the scene, attracting them with his charisma and perceived wealth. They would become his platonic crushes, since the majority kept him in the friend zone. He would be possessive and eventually drop them as friends when they finally started branching out and meeting/dating other guys. Then on to the next. The jaded and cynical type that after repeated heartbreak and dating failures would rather now be alone or stay single (oh wait , that was me ) â Iâve known people since, that usually start thinking that way until after their 30s hit. Most gay men in their 20s donât necessarily want to settle down yet or are still hopeful to find âthe oneâ despite setbacks.  I had two friends that lost their partners tragically: one committed suicide and the other died of a heart attack â spurred on by years of cocaine use Besides the friendships I had throughout the years, I also paid attention to the lives of the countless people I chatted with online through dating or hookup sites. (That number is in the thousands for sure at this stage in my life). Amongst strangers, I never met anyone truly content with their life either. Except perhaps those in a new relationship that were still in the puppy love phase; but also saw that never lasted. Even many of those that were in âloveâ where still browsing those sites. (This confused me) Some of them described themselves as being in an âopen relationshipâ. I was like âwell, whatâs the point of being in one then? Throughout those years in Miami, even in the phases when I told myself I was just going to have fun and not try dating anyone, I found myself genuinely trying to connect and talk to the people who I would meet up with from those sites. Majority only wanted to get off quickly, and my desire to converse would sometimes annoy them. It took me a while to see a patternâI would eventually oblige to mess around  once I drank or got high and established some sort of rapport. Deep down, I just wanted intimacy with a male (itâs that father wound), it wasnât really sex I was looking for. 90% of the time, once I had them in front of me and spoke to them a bit, they went from being a virtual sex object to a human being. I mistakenly equated sex with intimacy, so I would act out sometimes just because I was there already, or to not disappoint the person. (People pleaser, low self-esteem) There seemingly was no long-term monogamy anywhere I turned. With regard to all these aforementioned friend and stranger scenarios, Iâm not saying this to be judgmental or a hater, these were just my observations. Everyone was human, trying to figure out life as best as they could; including me. However, deep down, I knew I didnât want any of those things for myself. Since I was so insecure and passive at the time, I could see what direction Iâd gravitate towards: I didnât want to settle for being in a relationship where I would be the faithful one; and once the passion or lust faded, having to resort to turn a blind eye to infidelities or participate in an open relationship to appease my partner. I would have built resentment incrementally but probably still stayed with the person in order to not be alone. Then make each otherâs lives miserable until one of the two called it quits. In retrospect, luckily my romantic relationships never made it that far. I would have suffered even more than I did. Things sometimes do happen for a reason. You may be thinking, wait a minute, itâs not like straight people have it all figured out either. They have similar issues too. The divorce rate is through the roof today. They experience tragedy also. Youâre correct. Looking at it that way, we are all screwed then, no one will ever be genuinely happy in this lifetime right? Not necessarily. At the time, I still hadnât figured out that I couldnât possibly depend on one person (man or woman) to be the sole source for my lifeâs happiness. Thatâs a lot of pressure for that partner. Even the people who love us the most let us down at times and canât fill all of the voids in our heart. Only God can do that. I had always heard faith is incompatible with science. Once I started digging deeper on my own I realized â wait a minute, psychology is actually backing up what the Bible says. Science and faith were actually in alignment on this topic, not in opposition as I always heard through the grapevine. Allow me to demonstrate. Back to science on nature: our ancestorâs genes predispose us to certain things. Like addiction for example: if you have alcoholism in your family history â you have a high predisposition to becoming an alcoholic. (Doesnât mean that will necessarily happen, but the odds are not stacked forever in your favor #cuemockingjaywhistle) Iâve directly witnessed or heard about alcoholism, extramarital affairs, homosexuality, physical violence and sex addiction in my two previous family generations (Iâm combining issues from both my mom and dadâs sides of the extended family). Iâm sure thereâs a much longer list of âskeletons in our family closetâ. Every family has them. Going on the premise that both nature & nurture played a role in developing same-sex attraction: then some of those genes may have predisposed me to being gay since before birth. Analogies are not my forte; but hereâs a campfire one that should work. Roll with it. đ¤Â My genetics may have been the firewood in a stone ring pit. The wood just sitting in there by itself, nothing will ever happen. But if you add some fuel in, surely youâll produce a fire.đĽ Those developmental experiences (nurture) I shared in the eight factors above, were the fuel to my firewood: this formed homosexual attractions. Guess what? Looking at it from the faith side of things now, those patterns of  family dysfunction  that have been passed on from generation to generation are sins. (Or generational curses if you prefer) The Bible talks briefly about this and mentions God allowing the sins of the fathers to pass on from generation to generation. (Exodus 20:5-6) Saaaaay what? Thatâs freaking unfair right? How is it our fault that we sin if itâs in our nature and runs in our ancestry? Why doesnât God wipe our slate clean at the start? Same questions I had. Well for one, God gives us free will. Secondly, it was man who brought sin into this world, these couple of folks named Adam and Eve. Youâve probably heard that story from the Bible â when they both ate the fruitđ off a forbidden tree, after Eve was enticed by a talking serpentđ. (Even after God warned them specifically not to) God threw them out of paradise and they became mortal. Their act of disobedience introduced evil (original sin) into a perfect world and separated them from God. (And everyone else that came after them) Yes I know, this story sounds ludicrous in todayâs day and age, BUT, if youâve been following this whole series, you have to admit, my life story is a little out there too. If I wasnât living it, Iâd have trouble believing it. Like I said way back in the beginning of this post, after experiencing the miracles I did, I could no longer say certain things in the Bible were not true just because I didnât understand them nor agree with them. (God wants us to ask questions and not believe everything blindly, but I also think there are certain things we wonât entirely understand until we pass on from this physical realm) Again, on the science end of things, I could clearly see how my homosexuality was shaped by nurture, with some predisposition thanks to nature. On the unseen spiritual realm backend, the demonic entities serving Satan in this world were perpetrating those negative incidents I encountered throughout my life. Evil was present in my childhood home during our family drama, when I was picked on at school, when I was molested, etc. (God told me so during the months I received prophecies) Understandably, most of us just consider the visible & physical nature of things we experience. But on the back-end, there is usually invisible forces of good and evil pulling the strings and at war with one another. One more thing Iâll disclose before I wrap up is something I didnât give much importance to at the given time. One evening, sometime in the spring of 2008 (Iâm pretty sure it was after leaving the Hialeah church and before the whole gay questioning), I went to mess around with someone. Youâre probably like, enough over sharing already.đą No wait, itâs relevant. It was my one hookup in all of 2008. I hadnât physically acted out with anyone since coming back from Europe the previous October with my dad. Iâve been forthcoming in relating that I still struggled with lusting, porn, and chatting with men online throughout this whole time period. It was less frequent, but still present nonetheless. Remember the prophecy from Part 2 where God called me out? For a while, that really kept me at bay from entertaining the thought of a physical encounter. Turns out the strength to resist for a time wasnât entirely from my own will power. The weirdest thing happened to me this particular evening. Iâm on my computer, at the precise moment in the conversation where I actually started considering going over to this guyâs place â I suddenly start shaking and chills start spreading throughout my whole body. Granted, I had done this many times before, it was nothing new. Sure I would always get somewhat nervous, but never to the point of uncontrollable quivering. At this point I already believed in Christ and had experienced the Holy Spirit. Remember how Iâve described it feeling like fire the times it entered my body? This was the exact opposite. My body literally started trembling uncontrollably, producing the worse case of the chills I ever had. I was in 85 degree freaking-humid Miami, my room was probably at my usual 78. (Iâm skinny, I highly dislike being cold) I checked the thermostat; it was indicating everything to be at my usual comfort level. So I proceeded to put on a jacket. The shakes/chills/goose bump combo wouldnât leave me. The thought that jumped at me in that moment was that it was Godâs spirit in me, basically sensing danger and causing this sensation of what felt like death creeping over my skin. It was warning me, donât go there âbut my sexual cravings were saying otherwise. (At the time, I didnât know I was a sex addict, I felt entitled to have some fun after all my recent hardship) Not one to be swayed easily from self-sabotage, I had to finally drink alcohol (our fridge was usually stocked with vodka) to warm my internal body temperature, and ease what I tried my best to dismiss as some mild anxiety attack. Deep down, I knew I was fooling myself. I eventually left my house and headed over to this guyâs place on the beach nearby. We drunkenly conversed for a while, zero chemistry. I couldnât even touch him, I was buzzed enough to let him get me off so I could leave. Of course, I regretted it and felt the looming cloud of shame for several days afterwards. ( Over the years, this âspiritual forebodingâ has happened to me several times again, when Iâm in a situation where Iâm doing something my conscience knows I shouldnât be; particularly related to sexual sin. The stronger the connection with God I have at the time, the stronger the spirit shakes. Itâs hard to even breathe. In the phases were Iâve been  disconnected from God, there is minimal or no trembling) I know, sounds nuts, itâs like an internal deterrent/ sin sensor that God has placed in meâ itâs the Holy Spirit, itâs never left me once I accepted Christ. It does get weakened though when I ignore itâs prompting and carry through with what my body desires. The struggle is real, the spirit and my flesh (my sinful nature) are constantly in opposition. Even one of Jesusâ apostles: Paul, talks about it this struggle once you start following Christ (Galatians 5:16-18) Flash forward months later, as Iâm connecting all these dots, I realized that God was giving me all the answers to my lifelong questions concerning my sexuality. Even if I had somehow decided to ignore all of my personal  life lessons, my observation of otherâs experiences, psychology research,  and Bible teachings God was revealing to meâ that incident a few months earlier, was more evidence that even the Holy Spirit had been pointing me away from the path of having sexual contact with a man. The answers were right in my face. It was everything that I didnât want to hear though. I was angry. (You may be feeling the same way as you read all of this) Let me finally answer the title question: Did God make me gay? No, I donât think his original intent was for me to be gay. (Nor anyone for that matter)  Sin had predisposed me and the devil orchestrated situations throughout my lifetime to separate me from Godâs love with the lies he implanted in my soul. I donât think it caught God off guard either that I turned out gay. If he could foresee my future when he revealed prophecies to me â that means heâs not limited by the dimensions of space and time as we understand them. Surely, he also knew before I was born the things that I was bound to go through. Yet, he still let it happen. I was disconcerted as I thought about it . Why did he allow it? Why didnât he intervene more? Sure, intellectually I finally understood; we live in a fallen world that was not in line with his original intent for creation. A world now corrupted by sin and evil. If he intervened in everything we would no longer have free will to make good and bad choices. Yet, he sent his only Son to sacrifice his life to mend the rift that sin had formed between him and humanity. It is his ultimate gift of grace to all of us, for anyone who accepts his son Jesus. No matter what you have done in your life, no matter the regrets or amount of shame: Jesus already paid for that and forgives you. For those of you that may not yet feel the magnitude of that on a deeper soul level, that is love beyond compare. The paradox was that this very source of lifelong anguish, my bone to pick with God, my Achilles heel, was the one thing now forcing me to draw closer to God for his mercy. The apostle Paul dealt with a similar situation, which he called a âthorn in his fleshâ. He pleaded with the Lord to take it away. Godâs answer: âMy grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.â 2 Corinthians 12:9.  In other words âNo, I can demonstrate my power through your weakness.â  I finally get that now. I also felt the Lord impress another teaching on me at the time: that sex was a good thing. He created it. But within the original context he intended it for: A marriage between a man and a woman. Sexual acts outside of his established parameters of marriage would breed sin : infidelity, lust, pornography, sexual abuse, masturbation, prostitution, voyeurism, incest, rape, etc. â chaos basically. As sinners, most of us have fallen outside of that boundary in one way or another. My broken sexuality is like my kryptonite; every time I embrace it, it destroys me. I may be forever drawn to it, since it forms part of whom I am. I also realized it wasnât meant to be my entire identity either. Jesus reminded me that he was now my new identity: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17, NIV) Would Jesus still love me if I had continued living my life as a gay man? Absolutely. Without a doubt. But, there would forever be this back and forth rift Iâd feel between the two of us. Thatâs no way to live. I would never be able to fully experience the life, peace, and joy that come from living in his will âmost importantly, living according to his purpose for me. That is the true source of all our happiness. (Not a relationship, not kids, not money, not power, not a great career, etc.) Sure, God may give us these blessings , but after we put him at the forefront of it all. So these other things wonât become our gods. After all, everything in this lifetime is fleeting, but God is eternal. We are eternal beings. Who but our creator knows what we were truly designed for? Discovering that Godâs original intent was not for me to be gay, was a truth that had me grieving for a long time. Yet, it was necessary; it was the first step towards freedom and for me to start experiencing joy in this life. âWhen we resist truth we resist God and we resist happiness. We cannot be happy separated from the truth; we cannot be happy in a world of lies. ââ Matthew Kelley Frequent readers, you know that even to this day, Iâve resisted (or rebelled against) my truth at times in the last 9 years (more on that soon). Iâm human after all. Our paths arenât meant to be perfect, there will be many stumbles along the way, recovery is a life-long journey. However, Godâs truth is not relative to how we feel, his truth is objective â itâs the same for everyone. If I would have continued believing the lie that I was a woman trapped in a manâs body, my life today would be very different. For the worst Iâm afraid. Even though my feelings were very real and part of me for a long time, there were deeper wounds and pain I had to allow God to uncover in order to dig out the roots and heal. (Today, I no longer struggle with transgender feelings.) When all these revelations clicked, there was a deep, bitter sweet knowing in my soul that my life would never be the same again. When I was a boy, I wanted to be like Hulk Hogan. He told me to train, say my prayers, eat my vitamins, and believe in myself brother. He made me feel like a âreal Americanâ. In fact, the WWF was another of my fantasy worlds that I could escape to; I had all the magazines, videos, and wrestling action figures. When I was a teen, I finally found out wrestling was fake. That was devastating. I tried to still watch and like it afterwards, but it was never the same. I could no longer live a lieâŚ. I knew if I kept pursuing a homosexual relationship that itâd never be happy. God would never bless it because it fell outside of his parameters. Repeating the same action and expecting different results would only lead me to ma-ma-ma-ma-madness⌠Stay tuned, the final two installments of Encountering the Divine are coming soon, rough drafts are done! Promise they wonât be nearly as long as this one đ  Share this:FacebookTwitterEmail Awakening Sex Spirituality Encountering the DivinegayJesuslgbtMadonnaMusePet Shop BoysSatanSex addictionSupermodeTransgender